MUSK UNVEILS ROBOCOCK, OFFERS HORSES TO THE MASSES

Oct. 21, 2025 — Twitter HQ, a.k.a. X Fortress, formerly your grandmother's democracy

In a bold leap toward the singularity—or a heavily-medicated midlife crisis—Elon Musk has reportedly purchased a $4.2 million pneumatic sex cannon designed to simulate “interdimensional penetration,” according to tech industry leakers and at least one disturbed cleaning crew member.

Dubbed the “Tesla Model D”, the device runs on compressed SpaceX-grade nitrogen, connects to Neuralink for mind-thrust synchronization, and features interchangeable Fleshlights sculpted in the likeness of Ayn Rand, Doge, and the Virgin Mary (™ not included in Catholic territories).

“It’s time humanity made love to the future,” Musk tweeted at 2:03AM, right before blocking all of Canada.

🐎 “I WILL BUY YOU A HORSE IF YOU ‘DO MORE.’”

Critics and necromancers alike were quick to point out this isn’t Musk’s first flirtation with mechanical thrust and moral collapse. In 2016, the CEO allegedly exposed himself to a SpaceX flight attendant mid-massage and—this is not a joke—offered to buy her a horse in exchange for an erotic favor.

Let that image gallop across your brainpan: the richest man on Earth, sprawled out on a Gulfstream G650ER like a nudist Caesar, whispering in a post-human croak:

“Stroke my baloney pony and I’ll pony up a pony for 4U.”

When reached for comment, Musk denied wrongdoing and labeled the entire thing a “politically motivated centaur attack.”

But the $250,000 hush-money payment reportedly made to the woman in 2018 suggests the horse left the barn a long time ago—and was probably quietly euthanized behind a Tesla Supercharger station.

🧠 NEURALINK YOUR DICK TO MARS

Now, Musk’s latest invention—the Model D—is being touted as “a sexual AI revolution that will rocket our genitals to Alpha Centauri.”

“It’s not about sex,” Musk clarified in a recent livestream while surrounded by tanks of AI-enhanced lube. “It’s about pushing the limits of sensory data. We’re feeding orgasm telemetry back to OpenAI.”

Sources say the device requires three hours of calibration and can “simulate the feeling of being loved by a thousand virtual interns.”

👁️‍🗨️ THE MISSIONARY POSITION OF TECHNOFASCISM

Naturally, the usual tech loyalists are eating it up. Joe Rogan called the device “game-changing,” and plugged it into a float tank during a podcast with a sentient jar of ayahuasca.

Meanwhile, Grimes has not commented, but released a 17-minute ambient track titled “HORSE_WHIP_EMO_ETHOS_VR”, which features distorted audio of a cash register, galloping hooves, and what sounds like Musk weeping into a bag of Cheetos.

🧾 FINAL THRUST

Elon Musk—lover, rocket man, alleged horse baron—has once again launched himself into the headlines genitals-first. While Tesla stock yo-yos and his children’s names start to resemble CAPTCHA codes, the Model D promises a future where men can literally fuck machines—and possibly sue them afterward.

So if your sex life feels a little pedestrian, take Musk’s advice:

“Refuse to be human. Accept the thrust. Become the algorithm.”

And if that doesn’t work?
He might just buy you a horse.