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Existential Weather Forecast
A cold front of stagnation barrels in from the west, spreading through minds and dampened hopes. Expect intermittent flashes of self-doubt, followed by heavy showers of nostalgia, pooling regret across low-lying areas of ambition.
Planktocelon: How Musk intends to infiltrate the oceans
Musk will inject his own cells into the ocean, creating an oceanic rebrand even worse than X
Elon Musk ’s Sonic Boom Salute: The Natural Reflex of a Billionaire Beast
Elon Musk’s hand shot forward—not a Nazi salute, of course not! No, it was a sonic boom aimed at our values.
Trump's Blue Monday: The Most Depressing Day Ever
The second coming of Trump lands squarely on Blue Monday. On the “most depressing day of the year,” we’re swearing in the man who tried to buy Greenland. You couldn’t make this shit up.
The MAGA Remix: How the Village People Became America’s New Anthem
Village People took center stage at Donald Trump’s second inauguration today, debuting a brand-new rendition of their iconic hit “Y.M.C.A.” rebranded as “M.A.G.A.”
Trump Saves Kitten in Heroic Rescuedafuq
In the blaze of America’s most heroic fantasy, there came the tale of Donald Trump and the kitten. Yes, that Donald Trump, the man who once claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose votes. This time, he was saving the day—and a kitten—from