Trump Sues Himself for Making Himself Look Like a Bitter, Sweaty, Reality-TV Liar with Tiny Hands and a Toddler’s Brain

Washington D.C. — In a bold new escalation of America’s longest-running legal performance art, Donald J. Trump has announced plans to sue himself for defamation, claiming that no individual has done more damage to his reputation than he has.

“This man has been very unfair to me,” Trump said, gesturing vaguely at his own reflection while boarding a plane. “The things he says, the things he posts, the way he opens his mouth and just lets stupid thoughts fall out like loose change — disgraceful. Total disgrace.”

According to sources close to the lawsuit (i.e., a demented lolcat), the president alleges that Trump has spent years deliberately editing Trump’s words in the worst possible light by saying them out loud, repeatedly, in public, on camera, occasionally to large crowds of people with a collective braincell count sometmies in the high hundreds.

Legal filings accuse Trump of:

• reckless mouth management and verbal flatulance
• chronic exaggeration with intent to destroy freedom of the press and divide the people of the no-longer-civilised world
• malicious self-sabotage, such as engaging in the most heinous of acts against women, especially younger women, and anybody really who gets within poking distance of his dick (admitedly a short radius)
• and a long-running conspiracy involving mirrors, microphones, words, lunacy, sun-tan, cologne, radioactive orange snacks, and time

The complaint claims damages totaling $10 billion, citing emotional distress caused by watching past footage of himself speaking.

“Every time I see him talk, I say, ‘Who let this guy talk?’” Trump explained. “And then I find out it was me. Very unfair. Very unfair system. It's broken. It's ridiculous.”

Trump’s amply paid attorneys argue that had Trump simply remained silent for the past four decades, Trump would be remembered merely as a guy who pops up inexplicably in Home Alone 2 after having purchased most of New York and enriched himself through immoral means, rather than a walking caps-lock key in human form inciting hatred and somehow canonising stupidity as an election-winning trait.

The lawsuit also accuses Trump of deliberately shrinking Trump’s hands through constant comparison, infantilizing Trump’s vocabulary to words with no more than two syllables, and forcing Trump to repeat the same three grievances until they fossilized into a personality.

When asked how Trump intends to testify against himself, a spokesperson said the plan is for Trump to interrupt Trump repeatedly, call Trump “fake news,” then declare victory regardless of the outcome.

Legal experts say the case is unlikely to succeed, as Trump has a well-documented history of self-inflicted reputational injuries, many of which were livestreamed.

Still, Trump remains optimistic.

“I have a very strong case against me,” he said. “Some people are saying it’s the strongest case I’ve ever had. And I’ve had a lot of cases. Too many, frankly. But this one? This one is beautiful.”

At press time, Trump had already appealed the ruling, blamed the judge (also Trump), and demanded a recount of his own statements.