"Bleeding Eyes Normal"

The administration’s new "patriotism through haemorrhage" law faces its first big test after "Operation Epic Fury" vaporises the Iranian government and shoots oil prices to the moon.

Big men in Washington have finally pushed the big red button on the desk—the one next to the Diet Coke button.

On February 28, 2026, the US and Israel launched "Operation Epic Fury," a daytime decapitation strike that sounds like the invention of a bunch of internet-adicted under-age Call of Duty players. They successfully turned the entire top floor of the Iranian government into asphalt. Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, his cabinet, the head of the IRGC, and apparently half his family tree were obliterated in what defence experts are calling "a really thorough way to ensure we don't have a quiet summer."

Predictably, the Middle East immediately lit up like a burning Quar'an. Iran is lobbing missiles at every Gulf state whose name they can spell, Kuwait is accidentally shooting down American F-15s in a panic, oil prices are doing a credible impression of a SpaceX launch, and a girls' school in Minab was tragically liberated from its structural integrity, a war crime that saw 148 murdered.

Normally, American citizens watching their 401ks vaporise while staring at footage of regional armageddon would experience emotions ranging from "yeehaw" to "existential dread."

But fear not, patriots. The Trump administration prepared for this exact moment.

Thanks to the recently passed Presidential Perpetual Indemnity and Emotional Pledge Act (PPIEPA), your terrified physical reaction to the start of global conflict is no longer a symptom of trauma. It’s a legally binding salute.

The War on Terror (Is Now Your Fault)

A new "Bleeding Eyes" law reclassifies involuntary physiological distress caused by the President as a voluntary act of loyalty. Under PPIEPA, the massive cerebral haemorrhage you suffered when you saw fuel hit $8.50 a gallon wasn't a medical emergency. It was you, citizen-comrade, voluntarily consecrating your loyalty to the Executive Cause.

Did your retinas detach while watching the UK and Europe simultaneously condemn the strike and offer to help suppress the retaliation? That’s just your body saying, "God Bless America."

“It’s brilliant synergy,” noted Dr. Glenda Meatclerk, now the newly appointed Surgeon General of Physical Doublethink. “The administration knew that 'Operation Epic Fury' would cause massive psychological fallout. PPIEPA simply captures that fallout and weaponises it as consent. If you're crying about the 148 dead kids in Minab, congratulations: the salt in your tears just retroactively voted for the airstrike.”

The Divine Right to Carpet Bomb

The genius of the PPIEPA lies in its footnotes, specifically the revival of the "Divine Right to Golf" doctrine.

According to Section 13(b), the Commander-in-Chief is immune from responsibility for "collateral haemorrhage, fatigue, or existential disassociation incurred by subjects under duress of GREATNESS."

This is the ultimate legal shield. If starting a war that kills thousands and tanks the global economy makes you feel queasy, that’s your problem. The President is just doing Great Things™. Your inability to process the Greatness™ without projectile vomiting indicates a weakness in your spiritual constitution, not a flaw in his foreign policy.

If you feel a creeping sense that reality has snapped and we are all just NPCs in a really dark Call of Duty mod, take comfort: that disassociation means the law is working.

Chaos at the Waffle House

The real boots-on-the-ground impact of the new war is being felt at the Bureau of Soul Transfer and Ocular Compliance, still inexplicably headquartered in a Tallahassee Waffle House.

Since the Iranian leadership was turned into pink mist, the Bureau has been overwhelmed. Agents are furiously processing millions of "Form 1776-B"s as Americans across the country spontaneously bleed from their eyes, ears and arse while watching CNN.

"It’s a madhouse," reported one Bureau official, wiping syrup and what appeared to be cerebral fluid from his laminated badge. "The drive-thru line is backed up to the highway with people trying to order hashbrowns and simultaneously acknowledge their 'voluntary emotional treason' for hyperventilating about the closed Strait of Hormuz."

Conclusion: Red, White, and Screaming

President Trump has taken to Truth Social to call the ensuing chaos the "greatest chance" for Iranians to take back their country, suggesting the bombings will continue until morale improves—roughly another four weeks. But the real horror is the fact that Trump literally just started another war to distract us because a load more Epstein files came out.

Meanwhile, back home, you have a choice. You can try to remain calm as the world burns down. Or you can let go, turn on the news, scream into a pillow until your capillaries burst, and accept your new role.

Go ahead, America. Bleed. It’s the only patriotic thing left to do.