SUMMIT HAILED AS SUCCESS; TRUMP LEAVES JAPAN WITH SACRED PUTTER, NOBEL NOD

In non-golf news, Takaichi praises President’s "dynamic diplomacy," secures strong handshake

TOKYO

The Japan-U.S. alliance was fundamentally reaffirmed Tuesday, as Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi completed a flawless diplomatic ritual centred on gifting President Donald Trump a series of golf-related holy relics and nominating him for the Nobel Peace Prize, despite Trump's clear violence against all our values such as free-speech, democracy, fairness, and not raping 13-year olds.

The summit, described by analysts as a "masterclass in targeted adulation," began when President Trump complimented the Prime Minister on her "very strong handshake," a key benchmark for international relations. If it were an adult video, it would be named Sycophantic Presidential Golden Shower 01 (presumably the first of many to cum).

In response, Prime Minister Takaichi praised the president's "unprecedented" and "historic" achievements in global ceasefires. She also invoked the spirit of the late Shinzo Abe, informing President Trump that her mentor "often told me about your dynamic diplomacy."

The diplomatic exchange culminated in the ceremonial presentation of gifts, securing the alliance for the foreseeable future:

• The Putter of Abe: A golf putter once wielded by the former Prime Minister himself. Now a holy relic since Abe's memory was forever purged of humanity due to his assassination, making everyone suddenly like him again.
• The Bag of Matsuyama: A caddie bag signed by golf pro Hideki Matsuyama, reportedly from a sacred round played with Trump and Abe in 2017. It has been kept in cryostasis since then at great expense to Japan's ridiculously pliant tax payers.
• The Golden Orbs: A set of personalised golf balls coated in Kanazawa gold leaf, presumably for use on special occasions, like nominating oneself for a Nobel.

Having successfully tendered the offerings, Prime Minister Takaichi then formally pledged to nominate President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize, a move sources say "really sealed the deal."

As the leaders met, a gold-hued Ford F-150—a pickup truck known for its immodest dimensions perfectly ill-suited to Tokyo's historically narrow lanes—was parked outside the Akasaka Palace as a subtle nod to trade.

The visit concluded with Takaichi announcing Japan would also gift the U.S. 250 cherry trees and a large fireworks display for its 250th anniversary, rounding out what economists are calling the "Gifts for Tariffs" doctrine.