TECH TYCOON TRADES TESLAS FOR TITILLATION IN ROBOTIC REBOOT
Elon Musk has reportedly announced plans to acquire “the most advanced piece of penetrative machinery mankind has ever engineered” — a pneumatic sex robot
Oct. 21, 2025 – Silicon Valley, CA
In an unsurprising twist from the world’s most meme-addled billionaire, Elon Musk has reportedly announced plans to acquire “the most advanced piece of penetrative machinery mankind has ever engineered” — a pneumatic sex robot dubbed the AutoFornicator X — as part of his latest campaign to “merge man, machine, and masturbation.”
Sources close to Musk say the device will be retrofitted with Neuralink compatibility, Tesla autopilot sensors, and “modular input zones,” which we are legally obligated to inform you means orifices. At a private shareholders meeting, Musk unveiled blueprints for the project, casually muttering, “This is what the Hyperloop was actually for.”
A prototype was briefly tested at SpaceX HQ last week before malfunctioning and violently thrashing its way through three engineers, prompting a temporary recall and Musk’s now-infamous tweet:
“Looks like AutoFornicator needs firmware update. Safety third! 🤖🍆💥 #HardDrive”
Meanwhile, exes and insiders alike continue to fan the flames of Musk’s enigmatic romantic life. Musician Grimes (who previously referred to their relationship as “a cybernetic fairy tale with too many side quests”) was quoted saying, “Elon’s less of a lover and more of an interdimensional algorithm trying to unlock sex like it’s a puzzle box from Hellraiser.”
Reports of Musk’s “tunnel of love” being a literal Boring Company tunnel under his Los Angeles mansion remain unverified. But anonymous sources claim he has been spotted descending into it on a motorized Sybian platform while whispering, “Nikola Tesla I'm gonna molest ya.”
When asked for comment, Tesla's board responded with a single emoji:
🫣
The SEC has opened an investigation — not for financial misconduct, but to determine whether Musk is violating federal laws on the fusion of AI and “indecent mechanical coupling.” Meanwhile, Fleshlight® stock surged 28% overnight after Musk added them to his “favorites” list on X (formerly Twitter), alongside Dogecoin, flamethrowers, and the concept of polyamorous Martian communes.
As of press time, Musk tweeted a blurry close-up of copper tubing and latex with the caption:
“Soon. Very soon.”
#TechnosexualRevolution #FleshDrive #FappuccinoProtocol
Comments ()