Hate Yourself Even More With BodyShameR™

It's an extortionate subscription-based app and it's what YOU need to fail spectacularly in everything you do.

Are you even slightly contoured, jiggly, or... normal? If so, shame on you. Chris Hemsworth is chiselled AF and so are all his friends. But did you know, it's no longer enough to just wallow in a slight sense of unease that every fucker out there is sexier than you. Now, you need to pay a monthly fee for a growing sense of failure, as you try to keep pace with your own personalised self-hate algorithm.

This revolutionary new app, BodyShameR™ has got you covered. And not only that, we get money too just for telling you about it! Here is how it works:

1) You pay money. Not just a little bit of money, and not just once! No, it's a lot of money and it's EVERY. MONTH. Because, who ever has enough subscriptions?

2) You get a list of personalised nutritional and exercise goals, all of them tailored using cutting edge research on psychology, to ensure they are just a little out of your reach. The frustration level is optimised to your own personal failure threshold. Doing the survey is a bit harrowing in and of itself, but with your precious data we use all that research purely for evil. And, we may even sell your data if you don't read and click all the little check boxes.

3) By the time you realise that you've been a sucker, it's already too late. Not only will you never realise that those gorgeous smug fux on TV are living lifestyles that are totally unobtainable, but also you'll realise that all you needed to do was stop giving a fuck, train your brain to be happy with who you are, how you are, and yes just grab another red wine and a dark chocolate bar, because that would have made you happier, not just in the short-term, but the long-term as well.

In other words, don't fucking destroy yourself, just be kind and delete the app. Spend the money on something better. Like a subscription to sarcgasm.com!