Trump Accidentally Sends “Dick Pic” to Entire United Nations, Delegates Mistook It for Marine Biology Slide

NEW YORK — Chaos, confusion, and one very unfortunate JPEG rippled through the United Nations General Assembly today after U.S. President Donald J. Trump allegedly mis-sent a photograph of what aides have bravely insisted was “his presidential scepter” to every UN delegate, a WhatsApp gardening group, and—most tragically—the top secret military Signal group that everyone knows about.

The image, initially dismissed as “a shrivelled sea creature washed up on a beach,” was circulated for nearly ten minutes under the assumption that it was part of an incongruous climate change awareness campaign.

“We thought it was a conservation alert regarding marine microfauna,” said Dr. Andrei Kuznetsov of the Russian delegation. “I believed it to be a threatened coastal mollusc. Something that had once thrived in the ocean’s embrace but now lay desiccated by entropy and time. Truly symbolic. I applauded.”

The misunderstanding persisted until the Brazilian ambassador, who once worked as a marine biologist, noted that whelks do not generally wear cufflinks.

White House insiders report that Trump apparently intended to send the image privately to his long-time mirror, but—due to what aides are calling “a catastrophic button error”—selected “All International Bodies” on his contact list.

Press Secretary (and professional lie-suppressor) Sheila Graves fielded reporters’ questions for a harrowing 47 minutes, repeating variations of the statement:
“The photograph depicts the President’s virility as ordained by God and lens compression.”

She later clarified that the oddly sand-covered appearance was due to “strategic texturing to evoke rugged Americana.”

WORLD RESPONSES

• France immediately submitted a formal artistic critique praising the “precarious tragedy of scale.”
• Japan politely issued a notice explaining that they believed the image to be an avant-garde performance about post-capitalist decay and therefore applauded respectfully.
• The UK has reportedly added it to the Museum of National Shame as part of a module on imperial decline.

TRUMP REACTS

Within hours, Trump announced the photograph was “the most powerful, most beloved, and most downloaded image in world history,” before attempting to sell printed editions on his campaign website for $399 each, or $1,200 framed and blessed by a (disgraced) televangelist.

At a rally shortly after, he proclaimed:

“Everyone is calling me, world leaders, strong leaders, real leaders, and they’re saying, ‘Sir, we have never seen anything like this. The strength, the majesty. The girth of spirit, folks.’ They’re saying it. They are.”

Meanwhile, the UN continues to debate whether the incident constitutes:

1. A cyberattack
2. A war crime
3. Or a cry for help from a man allergic to truth and afraid of the slow erosion of symbolic power.

The investigation will resume next week, once everyone recovers from the shared trauma of zooming in “just to be sure.”