Trump's Blue Monday: The Most Depressing Day Ever
The second coming of Trump lands squarely on Blue Monday. On the “most depressing day of the year,” we’re swearing in the man who tried to buy Greenland. You couldn’t make this shit up.
As Donald Trump stands on the steps of the Capitol, one hand on the Bible and the other sculpting the air into yet another mysterious hand gesture, a curious cosmic alignment unfolds: the second coming of Trump lands squarely on Blue Monday. On the “most depressing day of the year,” we’re swearing in the man who tried to buy Greenland. You couldn’t make this shit up.
For those who thought Blue Monday was a song by New Order, Blue Monday is a pseudoscientific invention, a day in late January when the holidays are long gone, the weather is miserable, and everyone’s credit card bill from December has mutated into something out of a Lovecraft novel. It’s the day when society collectively sighs, “FFS.” And this year, the cosmos decided to double down by serving up a side of Trump 2.0.
Astrologers and conspiracy theorists are already having a field day. SNS is ablaze with claims that this “coincidence” is actually proof of some divine design. Or diabolical. “Blue Monday isn’t real,” they said. “It’s a marketing gimmick,” they said. And yet here we are, watching Trump reclaim the White House like it’s a golf resort he accidentally lost in a bet. Coincidence? The stars beg to differ.
The Blue Monday-Trump Vortex
While Americans grapple with their seasonal affective disorder, financial woes, and existential dread, Trump’s inauguration offers a surreal cherry on top. His speech, true to form, manages to combine self-congratulation, an anecdote about his unmatched understanding of wind turbines, and a promise to build a dome over the Midwest to “solve tornadoes forever.” The man has a way of turning even the most solemn occasion into a meme factory, and today is no exception.
“The weather’s cold, folks, the coldest inauguration in history,” Trump proclaims, pointing a finger skyward like he’s threatening God. “But I bring heat. Tremendous heat. The best heat. Global warming? Fake news! This is global freezing, folks. You’re welcome.” Somewhere in Sweden, a 22-year-old little girl starts crying angrily.
The crowd is a mix of die-hard supporters in MAGA beanies and bewildered reporters regretting their life choices. They all erupt in applause. Somewhere, a bald eagle sheds a single drop of liquid, from its ass.
Astrologers Declare a “Saturn Return on Steroids”
Astrology TikTok has officially lost its mind. Influencers with usernames like @CosmicKaren and @ZodiacZaddy are calling this alignment a “Saturn Return on steroids.” One viral post explains, “Trump’s re-election on Blue Monday represents a karmic reset for humanity, like the universe’s way of saying, ‘You still haven’t learned your lesson, have you?’”
A popular meme circulating today features Trump’s face Photoshopped onto the Grim Reaper, with the caption: “When you’re the final boss of a simulation that’s spiraling out of control.” Another reads, “If Mercury retrograde had a baby with chaos, it would be today.”
Economists Weigh In, and It’s Grim
Even the financial world isn’t immune to the irony. Economists, ever the opulent optimists, are predicting that the sheer psychic weight of Blue Monday combined with Trump’s inauguration could create a “black hole of morale” so dense it collapses Wall Street. “People will try to invest,” one analyst said, “but their stock app will just redirect them to a YouTube compilation of cats falling off counters. That’s the level of despair we’re working with.”
Cryptocurrency, meanwhile, is thriving. A new coin called “TrumpCoin” has emerged, and its value skyrocketed after a tweet from Elon Musk: “Feels dumb, but I just bought $100,000,000B in TrumpCoin. Bigly potential.” The coin’s logo is a gold toupee floating above an American flag.
The Universe’s Dark Sense of Humor
Ultimately, today feels like a cosmic joke with no punchline. Just the sound of a rubber chicken squawking as we collectively trip over ourselves, fighting off other clowns to be the first ones ever to slip on a banana. If Blue Monday is the annual reminder that life is a series of disappointments, then Trump’s inauguration on this cursed day is like a
As the ceremony ends and Trump turns to wave at the crowd, a single snowflake falls onto his hair, evaporating instantly. He smiles, oblivious to the swirling vortex of absurdity he embodies, and shouts, “God bless America!” Yes, god speed you, Orange Emperor. Lift your skinny fists to heaven!
That the bastard will be half received.
The great shameless, audacious bawler,
He will be elected governor of the army:
The boldness of his contention,
The bridge broken, the city faint from fear.
Nostradamus (1555)
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