“Smells Like My Arse”: Chris Martin Finds His Base Notes in the Back End

Sarcgasm.com Exclusive

LONDON— In a stunning escalation of the celebrity wellness arms race, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has reportedly unveiled a new candle titled “Smells Like My Arse.” The scent, described by insiders as “woody, melancholy, and aware of its privilege,” is being hailed as the inevitable sequel to Gwyneth Paltrow’s infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle from her Goop empire.

Martin, 48, is said to have developed the candle during a silent yoga retreat in Topanga Canyon, where he “felt a strong energetic calling from his lower chakras.” According to the press release, “the fragrance embodies humility, digestive honesty, and post-Gwyneth liberation.”

A Love Story Rekindled (Through Wax)

For those in need of a quick recap of the Consciously Uncoupled canon:

• Paltrow and Martin married in 2003, blending Oscar prestige with acoustic guitar sincerity.
• They divorced in 2016, coining the phrase “conscious uncoupling”—a breakup method so gentle it could be used to separate clouds.
• Paltrow went on to build Goop, a wellness empire known for its jade eggs and vaginal confidence.
• Martin went on to build Coldplay’s catalogue, known for its soft pastels and emotional restraint.

Now, nearly a decade later, the pair’s legacy of scented oversharing comes full circle.

The Candle, According to Martin

At a fictional launch event held inside a converted barn in the Cotswolds, Martin allegedly told reporters:

“Gwyneth opened the door to body-positive aromatherapy. I just walked through it—backwards.”

He went on to explain that Smells Like My Arse“isn’t about anatomy; it’s about authenticity.”

“It’s not literal,” he insisted. “It’s metaphorical. Though… it does have base notes.”

Fragrance Notes

• Top: Chemical Citrus — the scent of enlightenment gone industrial.
• Heart: Artsy Woodland Pastel Painting — like a watercolour of regret left in the rain.
• Base: Arabesque — long, brassy, and faintly damp, echoing through the void of self-awareness.

Each candle is hand-poured during Mercury retrograde and comes in recycled Coldplay CD cases. The wick is rumoured to be made from the drawstrings of Martin’s Parachutes-era hoodie.

Gwyneth Responds

Reached for comment via Goop’s “Spiritual Crisis Hotline,” Paltrow allegedly sighed and said:

“I think it’s sweet. We all have an arse. Some just burn slower than others.”

She has since announced a limited-edition companion candle titled “Smells Like Closure.”

Critical Reception

The Guardian called Martin’s candle “a fragile olfactory ballad in C major.”
Meanwhile, The New York Times described it as “the scent of a man who apologises before he farts.”

Sales have reportedly sold out within minutes, largely due to confusion with a Coldplay vinyl reissue.

Final Notes

While Paltrow’s Goop candle sparked outrage for its audacity, Martin’s Smells Like My Arse has been praised for its vulnerability. It’s not sexy. It’s not shocking. It’s just… sadly honest.

In a closing statement, Martin mused:

“In the end, we all just want someone to light our arses and call it enlightenment.”